Working hard or hardly working

Choosing to work in the days between Christmas and New Years was definitely a terrible idea. I was lured in by the possibility of those days being quiet work days but I forgot how much more relaxing an actual vacation would be during this time with no “oh fuck that project is waiting for my response” anxiety hanging over my head.

I am not sure when procrastinating at work became a default for me but that’s definitely one of the big things I am looking to change in 2022. This is one of those ‘big impact’ changes because procrastination is such a terrible choice for anxious people like myself. It’s not like we enjoy the time we spend wasting because we are just sitting there worrying about the work (but at the same time not being able to work because we are too anxious).

I look back at my old posts and I was so hyped to get a good internship while in university. Now look at me – a professional engineer with a job I actually like (atleast the concept of the work we do, if not the actual doing of said work). It’s sad that I am wasting away this opportunity by bringing in the most mediocre of effort. Sure, one shouldn’t stress oneself by trying to be the best at everything because there are so many things that are not in our control. But I feel like I have started to lean too much into that and I am not even putting in the effort to change things that are within my control.

Too bad becoming a trophy wife who just stays at home is not an option in this economy…..

Untitled rambling

I was reading a book just now and for some reason, I just had the urge to write. The urge to actually do something has become so rare that I decided to grab my laptop and actually do it. Even though I don’t currently have anything in mind to write about. This is so incredibly unplanned that I don’t even the title yet. I am hoping something will come to me if I just keep typing away..

Shall we talk about loneliness? I feel like that’s a topic that resonates with everyone. Especially right now with it being the holidays. Everyone is spending time with people they love, keeping each other warm in this Toronto December – the temperature just perfect for some hand holding (not too warm that you sweat but not too cold that you freeze if your hands are outside your pockets). Personally, I love being in a relationship. It’s really good for my social anxiety. Otherwise all I can think of when I go outside is “oh look people are judging me since I am alone”. But also, it’s good for an anal planner like myself. When I have someone else with me, I don’t feel the need to plan for every worst case scenario like taking a second emergency water bottle so I don’t feel guilty using up my first emergency water bottle incase I am thirsty in that half hour trip to the grocery store.. When I have another person with me, I have that sense of “ah fuck it, we can handle whatever life throws at us”. Of course the healthy route to take would be to become self sufficient enough to not need someone else but (…actually there’s no logical ‘but’ I can add here. My reasoning is just a whiny child going “but I don’t want to do that“)

There is no real advice here. No positive note to end this on – talking about how I am going to make the best of the given situation and only focus on things that are under my control. I think this is just going to end as it actually is – a late right ramble. I read books, listen to music, reddit religiously, all to find that relatable content to make me feel like I am normal (or atleast not alone). Maybe sometimes I can just create that relatable rant and let the people come to me…

The end of another year

So here I am again – in search of betterment as always. I think that’s the only constant in my life. I am always looking to improve it. On one hand, atleast this means that I am not happy with having a shitty life but on the other hand, it means I am either never happy with where I am at or I never actually reach my goals. Knowing myself, as intimately as one can when one spends most days in ones own head, I can fairly confidently say that it’s because I don’t ever reach my goals.

Lets dig deep and figure out why. A couple reasons I can think of off the top of my head: I get discouraged very quickly when I am not immediately good at something; I am extremely lazy; I am a very anxious person that stresses about what other people think of me when I suck at something. All of these reasons are closely related to each other, one exacerbates the other.

I think one of the many, many problems I can think of, is that when I start thinking about everything that’s wrong with my life, I can create a whole big list of solutions. A to-do list to trump all other to-do lists. After all, there are so many things I can do better! And the fact that I am self-aware enough to know the answers to my problems kind of becomes my number one problem. My giant to-do list becomes the hurdle itself. Sure, the things on that list are tiny steps but together they become a big mountain of things I need to improve and then the laziness and the procrastination sets in. And then the feeling of being a failure creeps in again and in a blink of an eye, another year is over and we are one step closer to 30.

So lets pick the most important thing to solve and give myself permission to fail at the rest for a bit longer. One month, one goal. My started pokemon this year is going to be *drumroll please* exercise!

As I was putting together the list of improvements I want to make for the next year, I noticed that a lot of them can be achieved if I was just a more active person. It makes me healthier, it makes me more conscious of my eating habits, it makes me less depressed, it gives me something to talk about, it gives me an opportunity to meet like-minded people. And dear self, you know this is a very doable task. You proved this summer that you CAN be that active person who goes on a run in the morning and then a bike ride in the afternoon. Lets bring that back. It’s going to be difficult in the start but just remember how amazing being active felt.

Wow I am treating this like a personal diary now. Not even attempting to talk to my audience. To be fair, the audience will probably just be me a couple years down the line, either sighing about how this was another failed attempt or looking back at how far I have come. Here’s hoping it’s the latter.