Adulting – Take One

Wow so much has changed.

I haven’t visited this site in a while but I am going through sort of a quarter life crises-ish here and wanted a place to jot down my thoughts. I could do this in my diary but I wouldn’t put that much effort into being ‘eloquent’ if its just dear old diary (not to mislead you into thinking that I will be eloquent here..). But I do need to learn how to be a better story teller and those 5 years of writing research papers has pretty much gotten rid of any creative writing skills I (allegedly) had.

So lets try this out. I have a feeling this will go no where just like my other fleeting moments of motivation but hey, it’s worth a try.

Instead of trying to update you guys on everything at once, maybe I will just focus on one topic today. My quest towards betterment. That topic itself has numerous sub topics so lets pick one to start with: small talk. I think I am terrible at it. I am great in groups when I don’t have the pressure to carry the whole conversation and I can contribute one-liners and be the funny kid but when it comes to having adult, one on one conversations -disastrous. Maybe this has something to do with my anxiety but in my humble, never-attended-a-single-psychology-class opinion, band aid solutions should work.

In the interest of keeping things short, let me go to my favorite method of writing – bullet points!

How to get better at small talk:

• Keep updated with world events
• Learn interesting things
• Self help books?

I downloaded Flipboard to my phone to browse news and I go through the LinkedIn Daily Rundown everyday religiously – sure I can be much better at this ‘keeping updated’ thing but lets leave this here for now.

In the pursuit of learning interesting things, I have decided to learn sign language. Or atleast attempt to. I think it will serve a few purposes (purposi?). I think my memory is terrible so it will help me improve that (I think?); I can say I know another language without having to worry about my pronunciation issues; I can’t think of a third purpose so we are going to go with hand exercise 🙂

I am going to start small to make sure to stay on this – maybe 2-3 words everyday? It will be a little difficult since I can’t keep notes and there are no nicely structured courses I can find on this so I will be relying on random youtube videos. But lets see where it goes…

And then the last one – I am not sure how much I believe in the power of self help books since I think they just reiterate things I already know just don’t apply because of laziness/anxiety. But I will see what I can find on goodreads anyways. Maybe there’s a >3.8 star book out there waiting for me to stumble upon it.

This concludes today’s brain dump. Here’s hoping that the existence of this article (even if no internet people actually ever see it) keeps me in line.

Godspeed.

Why am I acting like a 15 year old?

Ah relationships. Why do I always end up writing about them? Why is it that in my head I am always so career focused and then I miss morning classes because I wanted to look good for that guy?

Well…I  got a boyfriend. Ex-boyfriend. Lasted a month. I honestly thought it would last longer even though all the signs said otherwise.

• Jumped into a relationship after knowing him for 2 days – Check
• Shared absolutely no common interests with him – Check
• Did not like his friend group – Check

And yet…I fell for him. Cared enough for the first time in a very long time to actually try. I have been saying ‘ah fuck it’ to relationships for so long that my friends were actually bewildered when they saw me trying.

I always knew trying was good. Shows you are ready to be in an adult relationship. But at what point does it become too much? At what point does it become not worth it?

I told him that I don’t know how to make it work. He assured me that we are fighting so much because we don’t know each other yet and that we should work on it. I agreed and decided to give it time. He broke up with me the next day.

I have never been dumped before. It was a very strange day, filled with my friends trying to cheer me up and me not being able to feel comfortable in my happy place. I wanted to stop thinking so I turned to music and discovered that fall out boys are perfect for days like this one. Now he wants to get back together…and I don’t know what to do.

On one hand..I can’t trust him anymore and I keep thinking of what a crap boyfriend he was. He wouldn’t walk me home when I was sick, always wanted to hang out with his friends, got very ‘physical’ with his female friends, didn’t understand my sense my humor, kept checking his phone and looking around when we were together…and the list goes on.

And yet…whenever I see him, I want him to be mine and I can’t figure out why.

Is it because I like the attention? But I have enough of that and plus he doesn’t give me that for more than 5 minutes.

Is it because he is good looking and I think I would never be able to do any better? But I have done better in the past and I know I will meet so many more people in my life.

I don’t know. I don’t know what it is that is making me tolerate the hour of crap to get those 5 minutes of happiness.

….what’s making me want to go back
when I know you don’t want me the same way I want you

wishing I wasn’t this happy being alone

Lazy Sunday mornings are the best for analysing how fucked up you are as a person.  This will probably be a super short post since I don’t have much to say but I need to put it in writing otherwise I will keep on thinking about it

Not sure when instead of looking forward to the event, I started looking forward to coming back home. When instead of replying to every message as soon as I got it, I kept delaying it so that I won’t have to have an actual conversation.
I was always an introvert but it was never this bad. Even though I know I would probably have an amazing time if I go out, I still don’t want to.
I make up excuses every time. “Sorry, not feeling well 😦 “. “Ugh wish I could but have a HUGE assignment due tomorrow”
I don’t attend calls. “Oh sorry I missed your call. What’s up?”. “Oops in the washroom..can’t talk. Msg only!”

What happened to the girl who liked dressing up to go out. Who didn’t shy away from human interaction…

Fleeting love

Why are relationships so complicated? Isn’t heart break inevitable? Almost always one person develops feelings faster than the other person. What happens if that person doesn’t want to wait? What happens when they want a label too fast? Puts you in such a weird situation. On one hand you love them too much to just let them go but yet on the other hand, you don’t love them enough to commit.

Should you just ignore what your mind is telling you and dive headfirst….or lose that person forever?
“Relationships are too important to learn how to face those issues at the last minute. You have to go through a few of them to know how to properly conduct one. You have to fail. You have to date a few terrible people. You have to be the asshole yourself sometimes. You have to learn how not to be the asshole. You have to spend tons of time together — so much time that sometimes you feel indistinguishable from each other and you find that both reassuring and disturbing. You have to have a vicious fight and know it’s not ending you and that you’re going to have to work to repair it and that the effort is worthwhile.”

I was definitely the asshole this time but it’s so hard to not be one. Should I sacrifice my own happiness for someone else? Should I sacrifice my long term plans for someone else’s short term ones?

New year…new beginnings…clean-ish slate?

“Eighty percent of success is showing up”

I was reading my old posts and even though it seemed impossible at the time, life has changed. I mean I knew it would- “Life in three words: It goes on” is my all time favourite quote. But that crappy phase, although temporary, seems endless when you are actually in it.

This term was all about getting out of my comfort zone for me. Trying new things. Always repeating “the answer is always no if you don’t ask” in my head.

Procrastination, running circles in my head.
While you sit there contemplating,
You wound up left for dead (left for dead)
Life is what happens while you’re busy making your excuses.

Grades came out yesterday and hey..it worked.
80+ average
Job at a reputable company for the next work term
News friends
..a successful term if I say so myself

I tired hard this term. I joined school clubs (GET INVOLVED PEOPLEEE) and it not only helped me meet new people but also gave me something to talk about during interviews AND to new people I met.

I also secured a job in the second interview I got (good thing too coz I don’t think I was gonna get any more interviews). Pro tip: Make them laugh. When you know your answer is lame, end with a joke.

Interviewer: Tell me about a time when you dealt with a challenge at work
Me: -word vomits about a lame situation- *laughs nervously* and wellll in the end Google is your best friend at work :p

My social life got better too. While I still shy away from the house parties my classmates throw after every exam session, I talked to people in the lab I always work in. By the end of the term, I almost always had someone to talk to in the lab. Lets ignore the fact that most of those people were guys. (I just feel more comfortable around them…they are easier to impress I guess)

O how thankful I am to my parents for not letting me focus on my looks when I was little. When I was a teenager, I hated the fact that they didn’t let me get my eyebrows threaded or that my mom wouldn’t tighten my uniform to make it look like less of a bag. But I don’t know if I have mentioned this before, but all those restrictions allowed me to work on my personality. I never had the looks so I have to rely on my personality lol does that make sense? ‘The internet’ introduced me to so many things and allowed me to understand the references people make and quickly get jokes and offer witty remarks. (Although I think I need to tone down the sarcasm…it is starting to become my default)

In summary, this was my best term at Waterloo. So much (that I can’t disclose here) happened and even though I am still an introvert at heart, I am trying to step out of my comfort zone.
I will end this pointless and ‘flow-less’ post with something my floor-mate said to me that just stuck with me

..all you need to do is say hi 🙂

Pakistan’s 9/11

So by now you have probably heard of the massacre that happened in Pakistan which left at least 148 students and staff dead. At least I hope you have heard of it…

I don’t even know how to react to something like this. I used to live in that city, in the same streets as those kids who were murdered. How do you find the strength to go on after that?
And yet the brave brave people of my country go on.

But you see it’s different this time. We are finally standing up. Standing up to fight..to take back our country from these monsters.

I thought it was too late for us. I thought we had become too desensitized. Too used to people dying. A country where 10 people dying had turned from breaking news to “just 10 people?”.

Things are changing.

The taliban killed our children to scare us, to take revenge for the army operation against them. But boyyy did that backfire. We are not scared any more..we are rising. This was the last straw. Taliban apologists are no longer being tolerated. There are no good and bad taliban any more. Taliban=Enemy. We are not letting people excuse their actions any more, not letting them hide behind religion and ‘yahoodi saazish’.

I know most of you won’t understand this but I had to write about this. I have never been prouder to call myself Pakistani.

They tried to bury us, they did not know we were seeds

Maybe after this dark day in history people around the world will stop putting innocent Pakistani citizens and the taliban that murder them in the same category.
The extremists do not represent us.

Miss Ass Kicker

The Legend of Korra has recently started up again and the new season is even better than the previous ones!

For those of you who have never heard of this show (people have a life outside tv and Netflix? Gasp!), Legend of Korra is the sequel to the series Avatar: The last Airbender. I grew up watching Avatar and it’s still one of my favourite animated series (alongside Teen Titans, Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends and many others..it’s hard to choose really)

Legend of Korra’s lead character is (you guessed it) Korra, an 18 year old ass-kicker. I find the presence of Korra very refreshing amidst the male dominated superhero world.
And she doesn’t even need to be half naked to grab your attention

Ever think that bikinis might not be the best option for body armour?

It’s not just Korra though, the show also features Lin Beifong. She is the brave and loyal Chief of police of Republic City and an incredible metal bender.

Then there is Asami. She is a non-bender but she can still hold her own when it comes to taking out bad guys (and girls). Not only that, she is also a business woman who has inherited Future Industries and is working hard to re-establish the company’s prestige on a global scale.

This is obviously not the only reason the show is so incredible, but it is a very important reason for me. I really think that it helps in breaking down the ‘helpless girl’ stereotype and gives little girls a couple of worthy role models to look up to.

How to make sure you don’t fuck up your first year

I started this blog thinking that I would fill it with stories about my time in the University of Waterloo, maybe guide students who are hoping to come here, and talk to students who are already here and having a shitty time (knowing someone out there is going through the same shit as you always helps). But I got a little side-tracked. Mostly because I am not in school right now so I have no new school stories to tell the world.

However, I can advise the newbies out there who are about to join university so that they won’t make the same mistakes I did.
Ah so.many.mistakes.

Advice: Try to live on campus for the first year

Living on campus is great because it exposes you to a lot of people your own age who can not only help you settle and have fun but also, help you study. When you are living with a bunch of people from your class you will automatically work together. Even if you don’t, seeing them work will remind/motivate you to work.

I lived off campus and I REALLY wish I hadn’t done that. I didn’t get a chance to join any real friend circles in time and I also slacked off a lot.

Advice: Fucking Study!

Work really piles up. You need to make sure you do all your assignments because they help you to grasp the concepts taught in class. Make sure you attend all your tutorials because that’s the best way to get to know your teaching assistants and they have superior knowledge of the course. Don’t leave work to the last minute and don’t think you can prepare for the exam on the last night like you did in high school.

*yourself

Advice: Get involved

There is no better time than first year to get involved. You know why? Because people won’t look at you weird for coming to events alone. They will know you are new and don’t know anyone. You won’t be expected to know how things work so you can fuck up and it will be ok. If you join a student design team, they will know you are a complete noob and help you out. After first year there is way too much pressure to have your shit together and being a noob then will earn you pity and weird looks.

Advice: Ask for help

I can not stress this enough! This is so important. Go to office hours. Bug professors, teaching assistants, help session holders, and fellow class fellows! There is no shame in asking for help. You might think it’s a sign of weakness but it’s not! Instead of sitting in your room alone, trying to figure out what the eff the question is about, go to your professor! They are paid to help you and as a bonus, you get to know your professor which comes in handy when you are one mark short of passing a course or maybe later, when you are looking for a research assistantship.
That’s it for now. I really wish someone had told me all this before I started university. Life would have so much better if I hadn’t fucked up my first term.

Let me know if you have any questions..I would absolutely love to help you out!

“But he is a boy!”

My mom works at a day care and yesterday she came home distraught. They had a nail polish, tattoo, and face paint day in their class and obviously everyone participated and had a lot of fun doing it. But alas, all hell broke loose when, at the end of the day, the parents saw nail polish on their little boys’ finger nails.

Oh I am sorry..I thought we lived in a time when we are actively trying to discard gender stereotypes.

Why do we automatically think that little boys are acting ‘girly’ when we see their painted finger nails?

“Sometimes nails are just canvases to paint, as are popsicle sticks and rocks. Other times, children paint their nails to play “grown up” or “dress up”. They observe adult behaviour and replicate it in play. It’s a form of rehearsal and part of the socialization process.”
– Alyson Schafer from parentdish.ca

Why do we even classify this trivial activity as a just-for-girls activity? It’s only nail polish for god’s sake…your son won’t turn gay if he has pink nails. It doesn’t work that way.

Let kids be kids.

“The important question isn’t whether this style of dress, toy, or nail polish is appropriate for a son or daughter; it’s whether it’s appropriate for a child.”
– Stephanie Brill
Executive Director, Gender Spectrum

peanut butter..more like peaNOT butter

(hehe how lame was that title)

I am currently on a quest to improve myself..not just professionally (learning new skills, finding a kick-ass interview outfit) but also personally (exercising, eating healthy, learning how to apply make up). I figured that since I am at home I might as well work on myself…my situation won’t change if I don’t start doing things differently.

It really motivates me when I read about noobs, like myself, trying to change their lives. Reading about failures and the getting-back-on-your-feet phases make me realize that we are not perfect beings but it can still get better. (I am not sure I am explaining this right…it made a lot more sense in my head)

My last post was about the exercises I have started doing (it’s only day 2 today). This one is about smoothies!
I usually just make a banana milkshake but I am trying to switch to green juice (banana apple spinach) because I have zero green stuff in my diet. The only vegetable I like is potatoooooo

I am trying to gain weight (I am pretty thin..not unhealthy..just have a fast metabolism) so I decided to try this smoothie from fitnessblender:

Ingredients
3/4 Cup Plain Yogurt
5 large frozen Strawberries
1 Banana
2 Tbsp Peanut Butter
2 Tbsp Milk (a splash)

(http://www.fitnessblender.com/v/article-detail/Post-Workout-Protein-Smoothie-Strawberry-Peanut-Butter-Banana-Smoothie/4d/)

I have never had peanut butter before. EVER. A sane person might have changed the recipe and added less to check how it tasted. But not me. Ofcourse not.

IT TASTED HORRIBLE AND I AM NEVER TOUCHING PEANUT BUTTER AGAIN!

Still putting this recipe out there for the weird people who actually like peanut butter.

(And I know this isn’t an entertaining entry or anything but I am more likely to stick to my healthy routine if I post about it…i think)