Working hard or hardly working

Choosing to work in the days between Christmas and New Years was definitely a terrible idea. I was lured in by the possibility of those days being quiet work days but I forgot how much more relaxing an actual vacation would be during this time with no “oh fuck that project is waiting for my response” anxiety hanging over my head.

I am not sure when procrastinating at work became a default for me but that’s definitely one of the big things I am looking to change in 2022. This is one of those ‘big impact’ changes because procrastination is such a terrible choice for anxious people like myself. It’s not like we enjoy the time we spend wasting because we are just sitting there worrying about the work (but at the same time not being able to work because we are too anxious).

I look back at my old posts and I was so hyped to get a good internship while in university. Now look at me – a professional engineer with a job I actually like (atleast the concept of the work we do, if not the actual doing of said work). It’s sad that I am wasting away this opportunity by bringing in the most mediocre of effort. Sure, one shouldn’t stress oneself by trying to be the best at everything because there are so many things that are not in our control. But I feel like I have started to lean too much into that and I am not even putting in the effort to change things that are within my control.

Too bad becoming a trophy wife who just stays at home is not an option in this economy…..

Untitled rambling

I was reading a book just now and for some reason, I just had the urge to write. The urge to actually do something has become so rare that I decided to grab my laptop and actually do it. Even though I don’t currently have anything in mind to write about. This is so incredibly unplanned that I don’t even the title yet. I am hoping something will come to me if I just keep typing away..

Shall we talk about loneliness? I feel like that’s a topic that resonates with everyone. Especially right now with it being the holidays. Everyone is spending time with people they love, keeping each other warm in this Toronto December – the temperature just perfect for some hand holding (not too warm that you sweat but not too cold that you freeze if your hands are outside your pockets). Personally, I love being in a relationship. It’s really good for my social anxiety. Otherwise all I can think of when I go outside is “oh look people are judging me since I am alone”. But also, it’s good for an anal planner like myself. When I have someone else with me, I don’t feel the need to plan for every worst case scenario like taking a second emergency water bottle so I don’t feel guilty using up my first emergency water bottle incase I am thirsty in that half hour trip to the grocery store.. When I have another person with me, I have that sense of “ah fuck it, we can handle whatever life throws at us”. Of course the healthy route to take would be to become self sufficient enough to not need someone else but (…actually there’s no logical ‘but’ I can add here. My reasoning is just a whiny child going “but I don’t want to do that“)

There is no real advice here. No positive note to end this on – talking about how I am going to make the best of the given situation and only focus on things that are under my control. I think this is just going to end as it actually is – a late right ramble. I read books, listen to music, reddit religiously, all to find that relatable content to make me feel like I am normal (or atleast not alone). Maybe sometimes I can just create that relatable rant and let the people come to me…

The end of another year

So here I am again – in search of betterment as always. I think that’s the only constant in my life. I am always looking to improve it. On one hand, atleast this means that I am not happy with having a shitty life but on the other hand, it means I am either never happy with where I am at or I never actually reach my goals. Knowing myself, as intimately as one can when one spends most days in ones own head, I can fairly confidently say that it’s because I don’t ever reach my goals.

Lets dig deep and figure out why. A couple reasons I can think of off the top of my head: I get discouraged very quickly when I am not immediately good at something; I am extremely lazy; I am a very anxious person that stresses about what other people think of me when I suck at something. All of these reasons are closely related to each other, one exacerbates the other.

I think one of the many, many problems I can think of, is that when I start thinking about everything that’s wrong with my life, I can create a whole big list of solutions. A to-do list to trump all other to-do lists. After all, there are so many things I can do better! And the fact that I am self-aware enough to know the answers to my problems kind of becomes my number one problem. My giant to-do list becomes the hurdle itself. Sure, the things on that list are tiny steps but together they become a big mountain of things I need to improve and then the laziness and the procrastination sets in. And then the feeling of being a failure creeps in again and in a blink of an eye, another year is over and we are one step closer to 30.

So lets pick the most important thing to solve and give myself permission to fail at the rest for a bit longer. One month, one goal. My started pokemon this year is going to be *drumroll please* exercise!

As I was putting together the list of improvements I want to make for the next year, I noticed that a lot of them can be achieved if I was just a more active person. It makes me healthier, it makes me more conscious of my eating habits, it makes me less depressed, it gives me something to talk about, it gives me an opportunity to meet like-minded people. And dear self, you know this is a very doable task. You proved this summer that you CAN be that active person who goes on a run in the morning and then a bike ride in the afternoon. Lets bring that back. It’s going to be difficult in the start but just remember how amazing being active felt.

Wow I am treating this like a personal diary now. Not even attempting to talk to my audience. To be fair, the audience will probably just be me a couple years down the line, either sighing about how this was another failed attempt or looking back at how far I have come. Here’s hoping it’s the latter.

Adulting – Take One

Wow so much has changed.

I haven’t visited this site in a while but I am going through sort of a quarter life crises-ish here and wanted a place to jot down my thoughts. I could do this in my diary but I wouldn’t put that much effort into being ‘eloquent’ if its just dear old diary (not to mislead you into thinking that I will be eloquent here..). But I do need to learn how to be a better story teller and those 5 years of writing research papers has pretty much gotten rid of any creative writing skills I (allegedly) had.

So lets try this out. I have a feeling this will go no where just like my other fleeting moments of motivation but hey, it’s worth a try.

Instead of trying to update you guys on everything at once, maybe I will just focus on one topic today. My quest towards betterment. That topic itself has numerous sub topics so lets pick one to start with: small talk. I think I am terrible at it. I am great in groups when I don’t have the pressure to carry the whole conversation and I can contribute one-liners and be the funny kid but when it comes to having adult, one on one conversations -disastrous. Maybe this has something to do with my anxiety but in my humble, never-attended-a-single-psychology-class opinion, band aid solutions should work.

In the interest of keeping things short, let me go to my favorite method of writing – bullet points!

How to get better at small talk:

• Keep updated with world events
• Learn interesting things
• Self help books?

I downloaded Flipboard to my phone to browse news and I go through the LinkedIn Daily Rundown everyday religiously – sure I can be much better at this ‘keeping updated’ thing but lets leave this here for now.

In the pursuit of learning interesting things, I have decided to learn sign language. Or atleast attempt to. I think it will serve a few purposes (purposi?). I think my memory is terrible so it will help me improve that (I think?); I can say I know another language without having to worry about my pronunciation issues; I can’t think of a third purpose so we are going to go with hand exercise 🙂

I am going to start small to make sure to stay on this – maybe 2-3 words everyday? It will be a little difficult since I can’t keep notes and there are no nicely structured courses I can find on this so I will be relying on random youtube videos. But lets see where it goes…

And then the last one – I am not sure how much I believe in the power of self help books since I think they just reiterate things I already know just don’t apply because of laziness/anxiety. But I will see what I can find on goodreads anyways. Maybe there’s a >3.8 star book out there waiting for me to stumble upon it.

This concludes today’s brain dump. Here’s hoping that the existence of this article (even if no internet people actually ever see it) keeps me in line.

Godspeed.

Why am I acting like a 15 year old?

Ah relationships. Why do I always end up writing about them? Why is it that in my head I am always so career focused and then I miss morning classes because I wanted to look good for that guy?

Well…I  got a boyfriend. Ex-boyfriend. Lasted a month. I honestly thought it would last longer even though all the signs said otherwise.

• Jumped into a relationship after knowing him for 2 days – Check
• Shared absolutely no common interests with him – Check
• Did not like his friend group – Check

And yet…I fell for him. Cared enough for the first time in a very long time to actually try. I have been saying ‘ah fuck it’ to relationships for so long that my friends were actually bewildered when they saw me trying.

I always knew trying was good. Shows you are ready to be in an adult relationship. But at what point does it become too much? At what point does it become not worth it?

I told him that I don’t know how to make it work. He assured me that we are fighting so much because we don’t know each other yet and that we should work on it. I agreed and decided to give it time. He broke up with me the next day.

I have never been dumped before. It was a very strange day, filled with my friends trying to cheer me up and me not being able to feel comfortable in my happy place. I wanted to stop thinking so I turned to music and discovered that fall out boys are perfect for days like this one. Now he wants to get back together…and I don’t know what to do.

On one hand..I can’t trust him anymore and I keep thinking of what a crap boyfriend he was. He wouldn’t walk me home when I was sick, always wanted to hang out with his friends, got very ‘physical’ with his female friends, didn’t understand my sense my humor, kept checking his phone and looking around when we were together…and the list goes on.

And yet…whenever I see him, I want him to be mine and I can’t figure out why.

Is it because I like the attention? But I have enough of that and plus he doesn’t give me that for more than 5 minutes.

Is it because he is good looking and I think I would never be able to do any better? But I have done better in the past and I know I will meet so many more people in my life.

I don’t know. I don’t know what it is that is making me tolerate the hour of crap to get those 5 minutes of happiness.

….what’s making me want to go back
when I know you don’t want me the same way I want you

wishing I wasn’t this happy being alone

Lazy Sunday mornings are the best for analysing how fucked up you are as a person.  This will probably be a super short post since I don’t have much to say but I need to put it in writing otherwise I will keep on thinking about it

Not sure when instead of looking forward to the event, I started looking forward to coming back home. When instead of replying to every message as soon as I got it, I kept delaying it so that I won’t have to have an actual conversation.
I was always an introvert but it was never this bad. Even though I know I would probably have an amazing time if I go out, I still don’t want to.
I make up excuses every time. “Sorry, not feeling well 😦 “. “Ugh wish I could but have a HUGE assignment due tomorrow”
I don’t attend calls. “Oh sorry I missed your call. What’s up?”. “Oops in the washroom..can’t talk. Msg only!”

What happened to the girl who liked dressing up to go out. Who didn’t shy away from human interaction…

Fleeting love

Why are relationships so complicated? Isn’t heart break inevitable? Almost always one person develops feelings faster than the other person. What happens if that person doesn’t want to wait? What happens when they want a label too fast? Puts you in such a weird situation. On one hand you love them too much to just let them go but yet on the other hand, you don’t love them enough to commit.

Should you just ignore what your mind is telling you and dive headfirst….or lose that person forever?
“Relationships are too important to learn how to face those issues at the last minute. You have to go through a few of them to know how to properly conduct one. You have to fail. You have to date a few terrible people. You have to be the asshole yourself sometimes. You have to learn how not to be the asshole. You have to spend tons of time together — so much time that sometimes you feel indistinguishable from each other and you find that both reassuring and disturbing. You have to have a vicious fight and know it’s not ending you and that you’re going to have to work to repair it and that the effort is worthwhile.”

I was definitely the asshole this time but it’s so hard to not be one. Should I sacrifice my own happiness for someone else? Should I sacrifice my long term plans for someone else’s short term ones?

New year…new beginnings…clean-ish slate?

“Eighty percent of success is showing up”

I was reading my old posts and even though it seemed impossible at the time, life has changed. I mean I knew it would- “Life in three words: It goes on” is my all time favourite quote. But that crappy phase, although temporary, seems endless when you are actually in it.

This term was all about getting out of my comfort zone for me. Trying new things. Always repeating “the answer is always no if you don’t ask” in my head.

Procrastination, running circles in my head.
While you sit there contemplating,
You wound up left for dead (left for dead)
Life is what happens while you’re busy making your excuses.

Grades came out yesterday and hey..it worked.
80+ average
Job at a reputable company for the next work term
News friends
..a successful term if I say so myself

I tired hard this term. I joined school clubs (GET INVOLVED PEOPLEEE) and it not only helped me meet new people but also gave me something to talk about during interviews AND to new people I met.

I also secured a job in the second interview I got (good thing too coz I don’t think I was gonna get any more interviews). Pro tip: Make them laugh. When you know your answer is lame, end with a joke.

Interviewer: Tell me about a time when you dealt with a challenge at work
Me: -word vomits about a lame situation- *laughs nervously* and wellll in the end Google is your best friend at work :p

My social life got better too. While I still shy away from the house parties my classmates throw after every exam session, I talked to people in the lab I always work in. By the end of the term, I almost always had someone to talk to in the lab. Lets ignore the fact that most of those people were guys. (I just feel more comfortable around them…they are easier to impress I guess)

O how thankful I am to my parents for not letting me focus on my looks when I was little. When I was a teenager, I hated the fact that they didn’t let me get my eyebrows threaded or that my mom wouldn’t tighten my uniform to make it look like less of a bag. But I don’t know if I have mentioned this before, but all those restrictions allowed me to work on my personality. I never had the looks so I have to rely on my personality lol does that make sense? ‘The internet’ introduced me to so many things and allowed me to understand the references people make and quickly get jokes and offer witty remarks. (Although I think I need to tone down the sarcasm…it is starting to become my default)

In summary, this was my best term at Waterloo. So much (that I can’t disclose here) happened and even though I am still an introvert at heart, I am trying to step out of my comfort zone.
I will end this pointless and ‘flow-less’ post with something my floor-mate said to me that just stuck with me

..all you need to do is say hi 🙂

Pakistan’s 9/11

So by now you have probably heard of the massacre that happened in Pakistan which left at least 148 students and staff dead. At least I hope you have heard of it…

I don’t even know how to react to something like this. I used to live in that city, in the same streets as those kids who were murdered. How do you find the strength to go on after that?
And yet the brave brave people of my country go on.

But you see it’s different this time. We are finally standing up. Standing up to fight..to take back our country from these monsters.

I thought it was too late for us. I thought we had become too desensitized. Too used to people dying. A country where 10 people dying had turned from breaking news to “just 10 people?”.

Things are changing.

The taliban killed our children to scare us, to take revenge for the army operation against them. But boyyy did that backfire. We are not scared any more..we are rising. This was the last straw. Taliban apologists are no longer being tolerated. There are no good and bad taliban any more. Taliban=Enemy. We are not letting people excuse their actions any more, not letting them hide behind religion and ‘yahoodi saazish’.

I know most of you won’t understand this but I had to write about this. I have never been prouder to call myself Pakistani.

They tried to bury us, they did not know we were seeds

Maybe after this dark day in history people around the world will stop putting innocent Pakistani citizens and the taliban that murder them in the same category.
The extremists do not represent us.

Holy Shit…it’s time to apply to jobs!

So it’s that time of the term again when jobmine (Waterloo University’s job board) becomes the first thing you check every morning and the last thing you think about every night.

People like me (aka people with no or little previous experience) usually hate this time. All your class mates are getting interviews and you are just sitting there like “umm yea I am working on it”. Personally, I don’t know IF I will actually even get a job this term. All my experience is stale now and I have no extra-curricular activities. (Yayy for shyness)

BUT the point is that I need a job. So I am going to start a series (and hopefully continue it) today- Crash Course to Awesomeness (I might think of a catchier name later….).

Basically, I am going to try and add new stuff to my resume but at a quicker pace than normal since the application process has already started (damn you Waterloo for unleashing this torture on us after only two weeks).

There…that’s enough explanation.

So today’s new skill was Microsoft Access (yes…this is my first time using it. Don’t judge me. I am an Excel girl 😦 )

Turns out this could have been very useful in the last job I had. They used Excel over there and I could definitely have increased efficiency by using Access.

I spent around 2-3 hrs on this (could have taken less time but I was multitasking aka I was on Facebook and Tumblr)

What I learned (learnt?):

• Creating and modifying Tables and Forms
• Creating Relationships (Access has more game than me #foreveralone)
• Creating and modifying Queries and Macros
• A little bit of SQL

Obviously I have just scratched the surface of Access but the point is that I am now familiar with it and can play around to advance my knowledge on my own.

Soooooo all you people who are looking to do something productive today: DO IT!

If you want to become a white belt in Access (tell me I am not the only one who has never used it before…) head over to quackit.com’s tutorial. It’s very beginner friendly (noob friendly) and by the end of it you will atleast be able to relate to this: